Wednesday 4th July.
Woke up feeling ok and basically I have planned to do absolutely nothing today but let’s see what happens.
Well I had a relaxing morning and now having lunch and going out for a bit to the parents for a brew and to the shop. Got home and Barney was chilling out so I watched a shocking movie, the rating was half a star but that was being generous.
Had tea and nipped out then took Barney for a walk whilst it cooled down. Although now I feel super hot and a little anxious as my therapy is back on tomorrow and I know it helps me but as I’ve not been in a few weeks it’s just getting to me a bit today.
I have also realised I have been short tempered today for which I am sorry about as I have literally only just realised when I have thought back over the last few hours.
Monday 2nd July
Good night’s sleep however up with anxiety for doing my volunteering, I know when I get there all will be fine and I will relax but I just have a slow gradual build up of anxiety which I need to accept and not fear.
Got there and it was fine straight away my anxiety disappeared and I got on with the tasks required. It was extremely hot but we’ll worth it and now I am home ready to watch football in the shade.
Did the rest of the washing up and made dinner for the next few days, played with Barney and BOOM football is back on. Doesn’t time fly.
I have also applied for a job today, I am not sharing what it is or if I get an interview etc as I want to focus on me and me along to see if I can get it just wish me luck on getting an interview as it is totally different from my entire working life.
The photo I am using today is from the community centre where I help out growing the veg and flowers. Just though I would use it to show a little of what good people achieve to help the local community.
Shame Japan lost but that’s football for you, managed to take Barney on a mini walk not just for him but for me also as I have felt a little short tempered tonight but I’m fine now enjoying an ice cream in the garden whilst julia watches her soaps.
I am looking forward to tomorrow for two reasons the first helping my gran and the second watching England with a few ice cold beers.
Sunday 1st July.
Up early again but managed to sleep the whole night, feel a bit unsure this morning and not sure why as I don’t really have any plans today.
Was ok most of the morning and we planned on a visit to the runway visitor centre at manchester airport, I still can manage to drive around that side of manchester as I continue to feel anxious as soon as we get anywhere near my old work area. I know eventually I will overcome this if I need to but at the moment I have absolutely no reason to drive on the m60 or m56.
There was an event on today so we decided to use our national trust cards and go to quarry bank mill which I have not been to since I was very young so was lovely to remember the different parts of it and we even went to Styal village and a walk through the woods which was lovely then an ice cream before we headed home to be greeted by Barney.
Kept busy when we got back sorted out Barney little pool which Julia ended up in and I then prepared the veg for tea. Had a snooze before the football and then enjoyed that whilst sorting out the roast chicken.
Had a relaxing evening tonight but I am starting to feel anxious about tomorrow, i know I am only volunteering but it is part of my learning to cope with returning to work which I can now say I do have plans for when I want to return to some form of work but not exactly what I may want.
Took Barney for a walk it helped me a little but not fully, I will be ok it’s just me accepting my ways till I’m fully ready for work again.
Saturday 30th June.
Need to stop waking up before 5am. Not really many thoughts wake me up but after lying there for over 15 minutes my mind starts to wonder and pick up bad habits need to work on shifting this somehow.
I have been pretty much ok today especially as Julia is off and the football is back on.
We had a nice shopping trip and lunch at middlebrook, we could see the fires on winter hill and the smoke up in the air was enormous. I hope people respect what the firefighters, army and mountain rescue teams are doing in this heat it must be exhausting. They certainly do have my respect and if i could help them I would volunteer.
Well that first game was well worth the watch some fabulous passes alomg with some fabulous goals let’s hope the next game is the same.
Barney has been bathed and wanting his tea so Julia is on it and I’m chilling at the moment waiting for the next game I must say I feel very relaxed now.
Well what a game so far glad it is backed on which helps me have a later day plan which helps me. Julia has nipped out taking Barney for a walk whilst I watch the rest of football. I still feel relaxed and chilled which is so so nice considering how I felt most of the day yesterday. Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you speak to someone. Like yesterday I spoke to my grandad who passed away 4 years ago and i have not been often enough so i visited his grave and I can honestly say it made me feel sad but happy at the same time and today I have felt better so I can only thank my grandad for listening to me. May be weird for people to understand it but I truly feel he is with me along with my grandad Bob helping me theough this and it is something i have not shared to anyone before as I felt it was not “normal” but I don’t care they love me and support me no matter what. If a loved one passed away remember them and they will be with you through anything just close your eyes think back in time and BOOM thwre you go you can only remember certain things but it’s those comments, actions that will help you and guide you like it is doing for me.
It is strange still for me but they really do help me, I feel that it is both of them that come back to me the most as they are the male part of me that struggles which is fine and ok however difficult to talk openly about. Something I will discuss on Thursday with my therapist. I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend and take care of your loved ones one day they WILL help you.
Friday 29th June
Up early again but slept ok ish, not done alot at all today but I don’t really care, my anxiety is sky high and I feel lower and lower as the afternoon has gone on.
Picked myself up and went to visit my grandad gave today spent a bit of time there chatting to him about everything that has been going on and asked him for a little help to keep me going, to be stronger and find my way through this and back in work earning money and having a fun time with my family.
Got home and went to the pub for a Friday night drink started feeling alot better after my visit and seeing julia.
So I feel very relaxed now no down feelings or anxiety think I just needed that chat at the grave and Julia to be home, going for a walk with Barney now it has cooled down and then it’s tablets and chill before bed. My god I have missed the football today sad for some people but not me. Looking forward to tomorrow spending time with Julia, Barney and then football.
Thursday 28th June
Better nights sleep with a few minor changes to our sleeping pattern which was good for all of us, not feeling anything apart from a slow build up of excitement for the England game later. This is good news as I have been much better in the morning after changing the time I take my anti depressants.
Well I have spent the afternoon at my grans painting the fences and boy did the fences beat me I was covered in paint. But a good deed done however half way through I started to remember grandad ‘s comments and his banter which made me sad but smile aswell. Love him loads and loads just like grandma. I will never ever him and always help my grandma for anything.
Finished the fences and said I will call back Tuesday to do the others so all is good and I did not get burnt at all, went to my dad’s and took him for a pint which is very rarely but s good to have a chat and relax before coming home to the missus and Barney.
Now watching England and its.not as good as the other two games but who cares I would prefer we lose this one and have an easier way to win the world cup what a great manager if it happens.
Still thinking of my grandad and think I will visit his grave tomorrow where he sleeps so well, I will take Barney who can meet him and help me on the visit. Such a lovely man I hope people think I am like him and my dad.
Now watching good evening Britain after the football, hope all is well with everyone and if not message me please. Take care and remember it’s ok not to be ok!
Wednesday 27th June
Well a terrible nights sleep but I suspect everyone did as it was so warm. Barney could not relax nor me and Julia but I still did what I needed to well apart from being up before 5am.
I went on a 10mile hike in the heat and boy could I feel it, I was hot, knackered and started to feel a bit unwell so I did only do 10 miles but I planned on doing 15. But best keep safe rather than cause further issues with myself.
Felt ok when I got home and it was an achievement so I was proud of it, then I showered and sorted Barney out before going to give blood which I try to do as much as possible as you never know who may need it and I always think to myself when I do it someone out there will be worse off than you so why not try to help in anyway you can so I did it.
Got home and watched the football well Korea beat German made me feel even better, whilst I have nothing against Germans I do when it comes to football and too many memories of them beating us on penalties so needless to say each time Korea scored I jumped up and down and Barney ran I side to see what was going on lol.
Been to the mother in laws with Julia and Barney and sorted out the flowers and now home sorting tea which I put in the slow cooker earlier today. Oh and I washed up feel like I have achieved loads today which is awesome.
Watching Brazil now with an ice cold beer csnt beat it! Let’s see what tomorrow brings. Remember it’s ok not to be ok!!!!!!