My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Tuesday 16th May.

In and out of sleep last night so the sleeping pill did not live up to expectation and i feel a little groggy this morning. Not sure if I feel ok or not I’m sort of on the edge of ok. Got plenty to do today and a walk after I have taken Barney to the vets to help me out.

The walk was fantastic, mimd clear the who time, I even did a vlog? I think that is what it is called check them out on Instagram danbuck1985 got some nice feedback but again it’s not just for me it’s for others out there who are suffering, sorry wrong word who are struggling with a hidden illness. I have felt good all day since my walk and especially after the #mentalhealthminute on the radio, each person’s words read true to my journey and the fact it was done by celebs and royalty went along way in my books but at the same time for the Joe blogs of us out there the average person who wants to speak out but can’t as they struggle should be taken into consideration. On my vlog I have said if you want to reach out to me do it, I won’t judge, I won’t be shocked about anything you tell me I have been through it, I have had the darkest thought imaginable but I am here telling the tale living through depression but in a better place.

I have had a relax this afternoon. When I say relax I fell asleep but that is ok. I obviously just needed it, I still feel good after it and I am waiting for Julia to come home to see what she wants to do. Barney is snoring loudly so he is settled also.

So I went for a run, had to do something as my mind was set that I was going to do something and so I ran. No idea really how far or where I just went and it was good, I felt good after it and still do.

Tomorrow I am doing the same walk I did today I enjoyed it that much. Will hope the weather is just as good. But who cares as long as I can get out and do exercise it does not matter.

I will vlog again tomorrow on Instagram something it’s just a spare of the moment situation so I may be fine or I may be struggling it just depends.

Just taken Barney for a walk I’m tired now so hopefully get a good night’s sleep.

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My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be Ok!

Sunday 13th May.

Last night I slept like a baby so much so woke up at 530am and was not tired. Just excited that we are picking up Barney at 8.45.

Debating on my run today. More than anything where to run to and for how long. Think I will do a short one 2k or 3k and then tomorrow a bigger one. And work it like that so long as I am exercising everyday it does not really matter but it’s a plan in my head and I can then focus on other things.

Back from the vets and Barney loved coming home. A dog is a man’s best friend, he is just so lovely he makes me smile and feel good inside. I may do 4k now as I have motivation.

Well Julia did her first run in like well forever so very proud of her, I set off to do my run unsure as to how far or which direction i was going in so I just ran and did 3.25miles in 40 minutes.

Whilst I was running I thought to myself why am I doing this? For fitness? For weight loss? To destress? No to all I am doing it to be in control of my depression. That’s right control not recover but control. To control my depression means I am in charge of it and it’s not in charge of me, I make the decisions not my depression, I decide I will keep fighting, keep going not my depression holding me back.

Now to enjoy the football with a beer after all it is the last day of the football season.

Well the football was crap but what’s ne, if I don’t watch it it’s awesome but if I do it’s not.

Well today my journey is a good one, I have felt positive picking Barney up, proud that Julia did a run, content with my run and motivated thereafter. So today is a doing day for me.

I have not really needed to talk to anyone today as I am ok. It’s mainly been focused on Barney. It’s a welcomed break. But if I did need to I know I have people out there who would love to have a conversation with me no matter what which I continually feel loved for this.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you speak to someone.

My Journey continued Wednesday 18th April – depression, men’s health, it’s ok not to be ok!

So i went to the doctors, it was tough, I decided to walk there, I left Barney in the house with a morning treat he was fine, I on the otherhand was a different story. On my way to the doctors I had time to think to breathe in the fresh air and calm down. When I arrived I though I am here again and would you believe the receptionist knew me and said take a seat Daniel you are next without me saying anything apart from “Morning” this surprised me surprised me becuase I usually never go to the doctors but clearly I have become a regular visitor.

The doctor was not my usual GP and someone I have not seen before but I must say she was lovely a d very supportive asking me lots of questions, telling me it is ok these things do happen. She agreed to sign me off work for another 4 weeks to help look after myself. Yes look after myself this is probably the first time I have truly understood these words even though I have listened to family, friends and colleagues I have also said it myself but not truly understood it till today.

I left the GP and walked home in the sunshine it was a lovely morning but I did not feel that emotion not yet anyway.

I got game and Barney greeted me with the biggest cuddle and face licking (yes I know to some people this is not nice) but it was just the greeting I needed it lifted me made me feel that tiny amount better about myself. About is ok to not be able to do your job it’s ok that your partner (wife) is the main bread winner, that material things mean nothing if you well-being is not where it should be. His tought me this and I can’t help but think she truly loves me no matter what.

I went to my mum and dad’s and sisters with Barney to take my mind off things talking to all of them really helped me, made me feel more normal. But what is normal? Everyone is different but you know when you are yourself again, which I felt, only in a small way but it was there the sign again you will be ok. Back to routines back to thinking about you and you alone hard to say as I think about family all the time but sometimes it has to be about just YOU.

Once you sort yourself out you can then care for others do not put yourself you will be under too much pressure,family know you are fighting an illness and they just want you back.

I left my sister’s and took Barney home who was snoozing in the car enjoying the breeze from the open window (don’t worry he is in a seat belt) I got home and I thought what do I do now so I looked at my post of jobs that myself and Julia wrote down the day before, this helped me I cracked on whilst Barney ate grass.

The mother in law (called Gill I will use from now on) came around to drop the ironing off (yes I know we are lucky to have the ironing sorted) also a good excuse for Gill to see Barney. Barney was elated and kissed and played with Gill before relaxing on his bed. Ad I have not slept well for a good 4 days I had an afternoon snooze. I woke up feeling better feeling groggy but better.

Soon after Julia arrived home and we had a good chat which helped fuether ease my thought my depression.

I cooked tea, washed up and had a beer to relax somethijg that I ciuld.not have done in my darkest moments but I again used CBT and the support of Julia to crack on whilst she dis school work. (I did not share she is a teacher) and a bloody good one at that and I’m not being biase!!

So now we are writing tomorrow list which includes psychotherapy. I will be nervous but I will be ok, I want to get better, I need the support.