My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Monday 21st May

Up this morning feel ok but a bit anxious. Went on a hike round rydal caves and all was going well until two fighter jets flew very low right above us and scared the life out of me and even more so Barney he did not know what to do and ended up on my shoulders. The noise from the jets were ear piercing and horrible no wonder he got scared.

On the up side he loved the water on a hot day and had no problem running into it for a paddle. This made me happy. I jo8ned him and it was fun. Yes FUN!!!!

The drive back was ok but I was a bit tired and really had to concentrate alot down the winding lake district roads but we got back and had lunch. A bramburyApple and pork pie (no it was not good) and will never eat it again it was like having dessert the same time as the main meal reminded me of the friends episode where rachael made an “English trifle”.

Anyway after a mini snooze and an hour in the sunshine I feel ok.

Soon to do tea and enjoy alfresco dining.

I am also starting to really get into photography of the countryside and animals. Don’t know why but it relaxes me mixing up the contrasts and showing a good pic like the one on my page today.

Always find something to help you no matter what it may be someone told.me they enjoyed painting to relax and fair play it’s somethijg I can’t do but I can find other things I just need to put my mind to it.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Sunday 20th May

Woke up this morning with a mini hangover but don’t really care. Sorted the house out and have gone to the lakes.

The car journey was not easy for some reason I had major anxiety all the way and had to stop on a country lane.

Been on a walk with the family and had a beer and feel relaxed now sat on the decking in the sunshine looking at the coutryside. Whilst out Julia looked into the wigan 10k in September which she said you could do this and do it for a mental health charity which I thought was a great idea so I will be sending out a just giving page at some point next week and I hope you all can support my journey with some pennies. I will not only do the run but I will donate aswell and if i can reach £250 I will do my best to finish in under 60 minutes. This will not only help me to keep running but it will help me lose weight, be healthy and be happy which is the most important thing I can think of.

Been chilling out for a bit and feel empty not sure of the true emotion and this is the best way I can describe my feelings at the minute.

Having a barbecue now and hopefully my mood will lift. After all I am in the lake district and there is no better place in my opinion.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Saturday 19th May.

So last night I had hardly no sleep and I had a 2 hour drive to the north West lakes and a hike up the mountains. So I was not really looking forward to it at first but as I got on the way and picked up my best mate the journey passed quickly and we were soon on our way up the mountains and enjoying the sunshine and views.

My anxiety and low mood passed quickly on the hike and I managed to enjoy the whole hike which I was pleased about as early in my depression I really struggled to enjoy them.

When we reached the top of the first one the views were spectacular one of which i have used on my image. This made me feel relaxed, happy, content.

Today has been a better day than expected with the lack of sleep and now it’s the FA cup and beers tonight in the pub.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Friday 18th May.

Calmed down a bit last night but still felt down and depressed, trying to remove the memories did not work too well but I did get a fairly good night’s sleep and this morning I am sort of ok again. Not as good as I have been but that is expected I suppose.

Got a few things on today, only exercise for me today is a walk to the docs so I’m ok for tomorrow’s mountain hike.

It was a tough morning really bit lost well not lost but not sure where my head was but I went to the cinema and watch Marvels, Avengers Infinity War and it was very good indeed, good story line and lots going on to take my mind away so was all good this afternoon.

But now at 730 I’m a bit unsure feel nervous for some reason but still my mind is on the movie so I am ok. Also managed to sort out my bag and clothes for tomorrow’s mountain hike in the lake district.

Now time to relax on Friday night ready for an early start tomorrow. Will make sure I’m home or in the pub for the FA cup final. Come on UTD.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Thursday 17th May.

Had an ok nights sleep but got woken up by the birds in the trees at the back at 4am. Well that was me tossing and turning and unae to sleep as I was anxious anyway about my therapy whilst lying in bed it’s the only thing running theough my mind.

Got u with Julia and Barney and chilled on the couch took a bit of motivation to get up and ready for a run but at 10am I did it I went out and I set a target on my phone of 4 miles as this would be my longest distance this year, 3 miles in I realise I had no anxiety and no thought just me running in the countryside it was very peaceful and I enjoyed it and before I knew it I passed 4 miles and just carried on. When I reach 6.33 miles I decided it was enough for today and went home did my vlog on Instagram and had a shower.

It’s an hour till my therapy and I feel ok just about? Not as good when I was running but much better than first thing this morning.

Went into therapy sort of ok came out of therapy utterly stressed, traumatised, sad, upset, depressed anxious I can go on but there no point you get the idea. I had to talk about my darkest memories so then next week we can start to process them. It was extremely tough alot tougher than I thought. I have gone to the pub to try to take my mind off it.

My dad joined me and it felt much better but it’s still on my mind. So just want to go to bed now and forget this afternoon.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will hopefully have”processed” today in a better way.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to somone.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Wednesday 16th May.

Slept most of the night which is good but feel groggy this morning. Don’t feel brill Inside but I have a plan today which should pick me up. I’m off for a walk at 930 again 6 miles although it is a bit chilly and cloudy I will still get out and do it even if I just want to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing. I know as soon as I get going I will start to feel better.

So did my walk and took a while to get my head into gear, but it happened. Also managed to get out and about and took barney to my grans and on to the fields for a run around which he loved and made me happier.

Came home had lunch and well fell asleep, not done all my chores today but I’m not bothered, my anxiety is kicking in big time and it’s for my therapy tomorrow I know this as it’s on my mind. I know the therapy will help me but at the same time in really unsure about it as I’m nervous.

Waiting for tea now and a relax but still feeling anxious don’t think I can kick this one out with exercise or beer but I will have a sleeping pill to help me snooze later so at least I will get some sleep and then tomorrow morning I am going for a run.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Tuesday 16th May.

In and out of sleep last night so the sleeping pill did not live up to expectation and i feel a little groggy this morning. Not sure if I feel ok or not I’m sort of on the edge of ok. Got plenty to do today and a walk after I have taken Barney to the vets to help me out.

The walk was fantastic, mimd clear the who time, I even did a vlog? I think that is what it is called check them out on Instagram danbuck1985 got some nice feedback but again it’s not just for me it’s for others out there who are suffering, sorry wrong word who are struggling with a hidden illness. I have felt good all day since my walk and especially after the #mentalhealthminute on the radio, each person’s words read true to my journey and the fact it was done by celebs and royalty went along way in my books but at the same time for the Joe blogs of us out there the average person who wants to speak out but can’t as they struggle should be taken into consideration. On my vlog I have said if you want to reach out to me do it, I won’t judge, I won’t be shocked about anything you tell me I have been through it, I have had the darkest thought imaginable but I am here telling the tale living through depression but in a better place.

I have had a relax this afternoon. When I say relax I fell asleep but that is ok. I obviously just needed it, I still feel good after it and I am waiting for Julia to come home to see what she wants to do. Barney is snoring loudly so he is settled also.

So I went for a run, had to do something as my mind was set that I was going to do something and so I ran. No idea really how far or where I just went and it was good, I felt good after it and still do.

Tomorrow I am doing the same walk I did today I enjoyed it that much. Will hope the weather is just as good. But who cares as long as I can get out and do exercise it does not matter.

I will vlog again tomorrow on Instagram something it’s just a spare of the moment situation so I may be fine or I may be struggling it just depends.

Just taken Barney for a walk I’m tired now so hopefully get a good night’s sleep.

My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be Ok!

Sunday 13th May.

Last night I slept like a baby so much so woke up at 530am and was not tired. Just excited that we are picking up Barney at 8.45.

Debating on my run today. More than anything where to run to and for how long. Think I will do a short one 2k or 3k and then tomorrow a bigger one. And work it like that so long as I am exercising everyday it does not really matter but it’s a plan in my head and I can then focus on other things.

Back from the vets and Barney loved coming home. A dog is a man’s best friend, he is just so lovely he makes me smile and feel good inside. I may do 4k now as I have motivation.

Well Julia did her first run in like well forever so very proud of her, I set off to do my run unsure as to how far or which direction i was going in so I just ran and did 3.25miles in 40 minutes.

Whilst I was running I thought to myself why am I doing this? For fitness? For weight loss? To destress? No to all I am doing it to be in control of my depression. That’s right control not recover but control. To control my depression means I am in charge of it and it’s not in charge of me, I make the decisions not my depression, I decide I will keep fighting, keep going not my depression holding me back.

Now to enjoy the football with a beer after all it is the last day of the football season.

Well the football was crap but what’s ne, if I don’t watch it it’s awesome but if I do it’s not.

Well today my journey is a good one, I have felt positive picking Barney up, proud that Julia did a run, content with my run and motivated thereafter. So today is a doing day for me.

I have not really needed to talk to anyone today as I am ok. It’s mainly been focused on Barney. It’s a welcomed break. But if I did need to I know I have people out there who would love to have a conversation with me no matter what which I continually feel loved for this.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you speak to someone.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Friday 11th May.

I’m afraid to say once again not a good night’s sleep, I honestly can’t remember the last time I slept through and got at least 6 hours. I hope when I visit the doctors today he can help me with it, I feel this is a stumbling block on my recover and once I can crack this I can move forward.

Legs are sore today so I have to miss a run today but I know it’s ok and I feel ok about it. I will however do something else, not sure yet but I will see what I can come up with later on.

Well an impromptu walk took me 7km and felt good about it. Enjoyed the sunshone and talking to the lollipop lady for 10 mins about depression (not sure how we got into my journey but we did) and it was nice to share with a stranger.

Received an email about our mortgage and it was not what I though and it has turned my head to mush, something i simple now can’t cope with, don’t know what to do, where to go. Feel like turning my phone off and curling up in a dark place. I am trying to go to my “safe place” but I am struggling with it at the moment I clearly need more support from the therapist on this. My current emotions now are confused, annoyed, sad, anxiety sky high, lost.

Took till 14.15pm to get rid of all them thoughts and I did use my safe place but had to concentrate really hard which was not easy and now I feel ok just like I did this morning so that is a positive, on the flip side though I am now waiting to see the doctor for a general catch up so anxiety is present but I am sort of in control of it I just need to keep positive.

Good news doctor has given me some sleeping tablets on a temporary basis so hopefully they will work and I will be better and better as each day goes.

The wife and I are going to the town for a few drinks and a meal this is the first time since I was signed off work.

We will be having a chat about today’s events and I will be ok.

Enjoy your Friday where ever you are in the world and remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Thursday 10th May.

Another bad nights sleep, I was having a nightmare but can’t remember it but I ended up grabbing Julia saying I need to cuddle. (I don’t know weather I was dreaming or awake).

Got up and my legs were a bit sore so I said I can’t run today, the boss said different she said just try, try and do 5 minutes and see how you get on so I got ready for the run, unsure of if I could do it or not but I left the house with Julia and started and I just kept going and was please with my achievement, my head told me no stop you ran yesterday are you stupid, my legs said keep going, keep the faith you can do this. My legs won.

Got home was greeted by Barney (always nice and makes me smile) washed up, showered and had a shave.

The reason I am sharing this bit is becuase part of my depression is unable to shave, when I am going through a tough patch I will not shave (don’t know why I just dont) however when I shave everyday I am feeling ok and in a better place. Thinking back to the last time I had consecutive shaves was my days at Mark Two where I did it everyday with no issues, when I though of this it has blown my mind. It has been over 4 years since the compa y went bust. Have I been truly suffering that long, maybe on mildly but it is possible something i will be discussing with the therapist this afternoon. But for now I am having a relax.

On my way to see the therapist I have decided to walk there and back to help my mood as it has started to dip over the last couple of hours, I know I am ok but I want to keep my momentum going especially as I am having my therapy soon. I know I am anxious about it and scared to share more of the past that has caused my PTSD but I know I need to push through to get better.

Sat in the waiting room feel, well not great but as expected I suppose I just know once it is over my walk back home will help me.

Wow that therapy session was better than expected. I am now doing a new trial and have a safe place in my mind. Won’t be sharing where it is as it’s mine but my god I can go to it fairly easy and it has helped me out big time.

Next week will be different though as I am having to go through my memories to then rank them and put a plan in place for future sessions however with my safe place I should be ok. I am in my safe place now as I write this and I feel good.

So therapy was not so bad and a further reflection I feel ok now. Safe, secure and relaxed. I have seen a lot of posts on Facebook about aiden in coronation street and his suicide and whilst I am very pleased that the show has highlighted men’s health it is too close to home for me to watch but I am glad it was aired and made millions of people understand it a little more. I am also grateful i am passed that episode of my depression and heading in the right direction. As I say in every blog it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.