My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be Ok!

Sunday 13th May.

Last night I slept like a baby so much so woke up at 530am and was not tired. Just excited that we are picking up Barney at 8.45.

Debating on my run today. More than anything where to run to and for how long. Think I will do a short one 2k or 3k and then tomorrow a bigger one. And work it like that so long as I am exercising everyday it does not really matter but it’s a plan in my head and I can then focus on other things.

Back from the vets and Barney loved coming home. A dog is a man’s best friend, he is just so lovely he makes me smile and feel good inside. I may do 4k now as I have motivation.

Well Julia did her first run in like well forever so very proud of her, I set off to do my run unsure as to how far or which direction i was going in so I just ran and did 3.25miles in 40 minutes.

Whilst I was running I thought to myself why am I doing this? For fitness? For weight loss? To destress? No to all I am doing it to be in control of my depression. That’s right control not recover but control. To control my depression means I am in charge of it and it’s not in charge of me, I make the decisions not my depression, I decide I will keep fighting, keep going not my depression holding me back.

Now to enjoy the football with a beer after all it is the last day of the football season.

Well the football was crap but what’s ne, if I don’t watch it it’s awesome but if I do it’s not.

Well today my journey is a good one, I have felt positive picking Barney up, proud that Julia did a run, content with my run and motivated thereafter. So today is a doing day for me.

I have not really needed to talk to anyone today as I am ok. It’s mainly been focused on Barney. It’s a welcomed break. But if I did need to I know I have people out there who would love to have a conversation with me no matter what which I continually feel loved for this.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you speak to someone.

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My Journey through depression men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Saturday 12th May.

Well last night sleep with the sleeping tablet did not go to plan, we have a poorly puppy up all night being sick. Spent time with him this morning and Julia called the vets, he has to stay in and go on a drip and possibly has something in his stomach but we will not know till later. Feel alone now and down but I know he is in the right place and I am staying positive.

Bet called and said no sign of a foreign body in his tumm

y so no operation needed and it’s probably just a sickness bug so I am really pleased with that but he has to stay in overnight as he is on a drip.

Had an hour’s sleep but I’m still tired and I’m fighting with myself to go for a run. Head is saying no why bother, relax and have a beer. But I’m saying different I have got dressed for the run and it had taken me what feels like an hour to do it so next stage is trainers on and go out. Let’s see what happens.

Started running and just kept going, couch to 5k complete in 5 days. (I have previously ran but was circa 7 years ago) I do feel better but I am still missing our puppy. Didn’t get a greeting after my run and it feels empty in the house. I know he is ok just miss him.

While alone in the house and feeling motivated I have dusted, tidied up, washed Up, pegged out the washing and brought it in, and mopped the floor. Just goes to show what running can do for you.

Now waiting for a call from the vets as Barney is staying over night and my anxiety is ridiculously crazy. I hope he is ok is in my head but deep down I know he is and he is my puppy and that said he is strong and will get through anything just like me.

The vet has called, I needed julia to answer it as I am in my safe place and have been for most of the day. Good news he is fine and playing with the vets 3 year old which is soon him. We can pick him up tomorrow morning. So relieved and more relaxed now.

What a day but I am relaxed and pleased.now knowing our puppy is ok. Knowing I managed a 5k run with no stops and now watching eurovision for my sins.

I have spoken to julia today about stuff but I have been ok today so I can’t end this blog on a sort of positive note. Enjoy eurovision and the crazy performances.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Friday 11th May.

I’m afraid to say once again not a good night’s sleep, I honestly can’t remember the last time I slept through and got at least 6 hours. I hope when I visit the doctors today he can help me with it, I feel this is a stumbling block on my recover and once I can crack this I can move forward.

Legs are sore today so I have to miss a run today but I know it’s ok and I feel ok about it. I will however do something else, not sure yet but I will see what I can come up with later on.

Well an impromptu walk took me 7km and felt good about it. Enjoyed the sunshone and talking to the lollipop lady for 10 mins about depression (not sure how we got into my journey but we did) and it was nice to share with a stranger.

Received an email about our mortgage and it was not what I though and it has turned my head to mush, something i simple now can’t cope with, don’t know what to do, where to go. Feel like turning my phone off and curling up in a dark place. I am trying to go to my “safe place” but I am struggling with it at the moment I clearly need more support from the therapist on this. My current emotions now are confused, annoyed, sad, anxiety sky high, lost.

Took till 14.15pm to get rid of all them thoughts and I did use my safe place but had to concentrate really hard which was not easy and now I feel ok just like I did this morning so that is a positive, on the flip side though I am now waiting to see the doctor for a general catch up so anxiety is present but I am sort of in control of it I just need to keep positive.

Good news doctor has given me some sleeping tablets on a temporary basis so hopefully they will work and I will be better and better as each day goes.

The wife and I are going to the town for a few drinks and a meal this is the first time since I was signed off work.

We will be having a chat about today’s events and I will be ok.

Enjoy your Friday where ever you are in the world and remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Thursday 10th May.

Another bad nights sleep, I was having a nightmare but can’t remember it but I ended up grabbing Julia saying I need to cuddle. (I don’t know weather I was dreaming or awake).

Got up and my legs were a bit sore so I said I can’t run today, the boss said different she said just try, try and do 5 minutes and see how you get on so I got ready for the run, unsure of if I could do it or not but I left the house with Julia and started and I just kept going and was please with my achievement, my head told me no stop you ran yesterday are you stupid, my legs said keep going, keep the faith you can do this. My legs won.

Got home was greeted by Barney (always nice and makes me smile) washed up, showered and had a shave.

The reason I am sharing this bit is becuase part of my depression is unable to shave, when I am going through a tough patch I will not shave (don’t know why I just dont) however when I shave everyday I am feeling ok and in a better place. Thinking back to the last time I had consecutive shaves was my days at Mark Two where I did it everyday with no issues, when I though of this it has blown my mind. It has been over 4 years since the compa y went bust. Have I been truly suffering that long, maybe on mildly but it is possible something i will be discussing with the therapist this afternoon. But for now I am having a relax.

On my way to see the therapist I have decided to walk there and back to help my mood as it has started to dip over the last couple of hours, I know I am ok but I want to keep my momentum going especially as I am having my therapy soon. I know I am anxious about it and scared to share more of the past that has caused my PTSD but I know I need to push through to get better.

Sat in the waiting room feel, well not great but as expected I suppose I just know once it is over my walk back home will help me.

Wow that therapy session was better than expected. I am now doing a new trial and have a safe place in my mind. Won’t be sharing where it is as it’s mine but my god I can go to it fairly easy and it has helped me out big time.

Next week will be different though as I am having to go through my memories to then rank them and put a plan in place for future sessions however with my safe place I should be ok. I am in my safe place now as I write this and I feel good.

So therapy was not so bad and a further reflection I feel ok now. Safe, secure and relaxed. I have seen a lot of posts on Facebook about aiden in coronation street and his suicide and whilst I am very pleased that the show has highlighted men’s health it is too close to home for me to watch but I am glad it was aired and made millions of people understand it a little more. I am also grateful i am passed that episode of my depression and heading in the right direction. As I say in every blog it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.

My Journey continued Wednesday 18th April – depression, men’s health, it’s ok not to be ok!

So i went to the doctors, it was tough, I decided to walk there, I left Barney in the house with a morning treat he was fine, I on the otherhand was a different story. On my way to the doctors I had time to think to breathe in the fresh air and calm down. When I arrived I though I am here again and would you believe the receptionist knew me and said take a seat Daniel you are next without me saying anything apart from “Morning” this surprised me surprised me becuase I usually never go to the doctors but clearly I have become a regular visitor.

The doctor was not my usual GP and someone I have not seen before but I must say she was lovely a d very supportive asking me lots of questions, telling me it is ok these things do happen. She agreed to sign me off work for another 4 weeks to help look after myself. Yes look after myself this is probably the first time I have truly understood these words even though I have listened to family, friends and colleagues I have also said it myself but not truly understood it till today.

I left the GP and walked home in the sunshine it was a lovely morning but I did not feel that emotion not yet anyway.

I got game and Barney greeted me with the biggest cuddle and face licking (yes I know to some people this is not nice) but it was just the greeting I needed it lifted me made me feel that tiny amount better about myself. About is ok to not be able to do your job it’s ok that your partner (wife) is the main bread winner, that material things mean nothing if you well-being is not where it should be. His tought me this and I can’t help but think she truly loves me no matter what.

I went to my mum and dad’s and sisters with Barney to take my mind off things talking to all of them really helped me, made me feel more normal. But what is normal? Everyone is different but you know when you are yourself again, which I felt, only in a small way but it was there the sign again you will be ok. Back to routines back to thinking about you and you alone hard to say as I think about family all the time but sometimes it has to be about just YOU.

Once you sort yourself out you can then care for others do not put yourself you will be under too much pressure,family know you are fighting an illness and they just want you back.

I left my sister’s and took Barney home who was snoozing in the car enjoying the breeze from the open window (don’t worry he is in a seat belt) I got home and I thought what do I do now so I looked at my post of jobs that myself and Julia wrote down the day before, this helped me I cracked on whilst Barney ate grass.

The mother in law (called Gill I will use from now on) came around to drop the ironing off (yes I know we are lucky to have the ironing sorted) also a good excuse for Gill to see Barney. Barney was elated and kissed and played with Gill before relaxing on his bed. Ad I have not slept well for a good 4 days I had an afternoon snooze. I woke up feeling better feeling groggy but better.

Soon after Julia arrived home and we had a good chat which helped fuether ease my thought my depression.

I cooked tea, washed up and had a beer to relax somethijg that I ciuld.not have done in my darkest moments but I again used CBT and the support of Julia to crack on whilst she dis school work. (I did not share she is a teacher) and a bloody good one at that and I’m not being biase!!

So now we are writing tomorrow list which includes psychotherapy. I will be nervous but I will be ok, I want to get better, I need the support.