I am going through depression, I shared my journey so far on Facebook with all my connections, not for my benefit but in the hopes it helps others out there.
Here it is with the added journey part two which I will link to social media through this blog in the hopes many more people can benefit or at least relate to it and know it is ok not to be ok as long as you talk.
On the 9th January 2018 I lost everything. Booked in with the doctors straight away for support. Told my wife of my loss and received unbelievable support.
I struggled to get out of bed, I lost all thoughts apart from very bad and concerning ones, I could not wash up, have a shave, put the bin out just simple daily tasks, things that seem so simple now and to many people all the time are simple things but if you suffer with mental health it’s so so hard and so so hard to share, especially for me always strong, always showing care, compassion and banter, not when this struck me down, however I have recovered massively with the support of my family, friends and Barney our puppy at my side and when I could not cope Julia did everything for me. It took weeks to share with my best mate as I was worried what he would think. No shame I know but at the time I felt dread. Months have passed by and with the support of family, friends, especially Julia, the NHS and my doctor I can say I am better not recovered but better and looking to return to work in the coming weeks. All I want to say is to anyone out there with depression, anxiety or any mental health issue YOUR ARE NOT ALONE and it is extremely important to share your thoughts as I did and it has helped me more than I knew it would have.
It does not come on all of a sudden it gradually builds up, I still do.not know what or why I have been through this but I am working on it.
There is no shame in it I realise this now and I want to say if anyone out there need to talk I am happy to support and share how I am recovering from what has been the worst experience in my life.
Do not judge someone for their appearance you never know what they are going through.
My journey continued……
I posted on social media my journey and it had massive amounts of comments, likes and loves just to show it is ok not to be ok. I feel the message touched alot of people. Even someone asked my grandma how I was doing from the hairdressers, I know the person but won’t share the name. Very thoughtful and goes to show the message does work when you can talk about it.
On the negative side which I am currently going through, I did my return to work on Friday 13th (you could say I was jinxed for that date). I went back to work on Monday 16th, the day before my thoughts of dread, rushing anxiety flushing through my body, sad feelings (not the usual return to work ones after a amazing holiday) came back, this was something different something I have not experienced before.
I woke up on Monday morning and pushed myself to go in. I managed to walk the distance of what felt like 10 miles to the office door and my anxiety was enormous so I used my CBT techniques to help me. Took a deep breath and walked into smiling faces. The problem was I felt bad, I was struggling, can I do this? Is this me?
I hear the same stories from before from colleagues! Is it worth It? I am strong but…… I can’t let people down.
These thoughts I have not had for some weeks but now they are back, back with a bang. I thought it was day one so day two must be better. Still poor sleep, thoughts swirling round my mind. I was not good on Tuesday but I thought CBT you have to push yourself through the hard situation to make it better (not in all scenarios believe me!) I went to work, whilst driving there thought at every point I can turn around, curl up and hide away; i cried, something i do not do?and then i said no I told myself I can do it and so i carried on. On the motorway I cried again, struggling to cope. I pushed through!
I then got to the office and did the same as the day before walked the 10 miles to the office door took a deep breath and went in. But it was different, I still had the warm greeting but I knew, I just knew I was relapsing so I stayed for a couple of meeting but I had to leave the office early I could not cope. I did the right thing. Now I see that.
I came home spent time with Barney the puppy, the mother in law called round (she missed barney) I had a chat with her. With my mum and dad. With Julia. I agreed to see how I am today and make a decision.
The decision to not go to work and to ring the doctor was immensley hard to accept and only with the support of Julia made me do it. To see sense that I have come along way, I have used all my effort to get out of the dark place I was in so why go back, why put myself through it to see if it helps. NO!! No job is worth it no matter how proud you are you have to accept sometimes it’s just not for you and that is ok.
I will be going to the doctors soon and see what they say, I will also be going to my psychotherapy appointment tomorrow. I need to recover, I need to be not stressed, no thought about work, about what has happened in work, what will happen, will I cope with it… clearly not so why do it why push to do something that makes you ill. I will talk about it, I will show my emotions, do not rush the recovery, you are ready when you are only you truly know even if it is hard to accept. I WILL BEAT THIS!!!!!!!! #mentalhealth #mensmentalhealth #suicideaware