Tuesday 5th June.
Hard to describe my feeling this morning so the best I can do is say empty and lost. I also had anxiety but that was becuase Barney was having an operation today.
After I dropped everyone off I went to do a 10 mile hike which I did but it took alot of effort to get going only by the 2nd mile I started to feel better but when I finished it I literally had a totally different outlook, felt ok, positive, acomplished so that will do for me, I even got home and did the chores on my list and managed to grab a 30 min snooze.
Rang the vets and they said Barney op went well which was a relief and we are able to bring him home at 6pm. But first I need to collect Julia from School as still no car.
Well we got Barney and im just glad Julia was there with me as it often overwhelms me and I struggle to follow instructions. Also Barney is very excited to see us and we got him home and he is sleepy but I can’t blame him and now relaxing on me for a while.
Now time to relax for the night and hopefully a better nights sleep.
Monday 4th June.
Up this morning not feeling very positive but it’s no surprise to me as Julia is back at work and although i have my list of chores I am struggling to motivate myself today. I can safely say if we did not have Barney I would be in bed all day but I’m not so it’s ok I’m just tired of fighting with myself today and it’s only early.
Struggled all day today trying to fight with myself but all I can say is I am ready for bed and start a new day tomorrow. I have a big hike on the cards to help me in the morning and plenty to do tomorrow that I can’t not do as it is my responsibility for others.
Short blog today but that all down to my mental health, lack of motivation, lethargic and simply just can’t be bothered and don’t really care.
Sunday 3rd June
Up nice and early and happy with that as I slept all night makes me feel much better in the mornings now just need it to be consistent.
A run is on the cards today but not sure when or where to go for it. Mind won’t work properly so will have a chat with Julia later.
Ok so no run forgot that me and Julia are doing a walk I have done before and also ran it before so did the gardens and driveway, had a good tidy up of it all and then chilled for half hour with Barney.
Up at the pub before the walk as Julia wants an ice cream and no I am not having a beer. Feeling quite ok today in general must be the vitamin d i am getting from all of this sunshine. That and a super tan.
Now I am relaxing at the mother in laws with an ice cold beer and the new extension which is stunning and cool inside.
Not sure about next week with what I have to do but Julia has already said we will discuss tomorrow’s plan later tonight. Which I do need the help woth as it will be hard next week with Julia being back at work. I know I will feel guilty not only that I am sick but that now I am unemployed for the first time in 15 years. It’s just tough to accept but I know julia w/o talk to me and help me.
I will leave my blog here for today and try and enjoy the evening drinking and eating unhealthy for the last time.
Saturday 2nd June.
Up this morning with anxiety and I know why there pos an issue with Julia’s car and we had top get home from the lakes, luckily a small garage in Silverdale had a look at it and said it’s ok to drive home.
Got home and tidied up and had lunch and now chilling out ready to watch the rugby then out with mum and dad for a few beers before the football is on.
Went out with mum and dad for a few drinks on them (thank you both) was lovely to catch up, talk and not necessarily Bout my journey just general things. Feel much better. Now home to watch the second half of football and relaxing whilst Barney has his tea.
I say it often but talking to people really does help your mental health. Keep talking, sharing your journey and more lives will be saved without you knowing it.
Relaxing now waiting for Julia to return home she missed football as per normal but I am relaxed so it’s all ok. Mum and dad called round after a few drink up atherton to see Barney and me of course which they loved so all is good.
I’m ok but worried about Monday.. .. why because Julia is back at work and I’m not and I’m not sure how I will cope. It’s hard to accept it all but I will do my best to be ok and do my plans etc.
So the tv awards are on which I hate but at least it’s something, jukia is home yea has been had and Barney is snoozing. Time to chill as best i can but it’s not easy at all. #anxiety is high and I’m feeling a bit lost but ok at the same time so it’s a struggle for me.
Friday 1st June.
Hardly any sleep as it was too hot and a bit of my head running wild again. Up and ready for the day with anxiety and low mood but not too sure why so I do not feel too good today, so I have gone for a quiet 10 mins outside overlooking the lake to see if it helps.
We are seeing Barney in a few hours and then I am going to try and have a sleep.
Barney was delighted to see us just a shame I am shattered. Going for a snooze soon and try to catch up for a better afternoon.
Had a snooze but still felt lost, think julia recognised this also this afternoon so we went for a countryside short walk and it was a hot one, got back and sat outside on the decking feeling much better but still tired and I am not that bothered just as long as I feel better.
Now relaxing in the sunshine listening to the radio and the surrounding birds, dogs and occasional moo.
It’s hot hot hot in Silverdale woth no rain yet. I have just been told is is heavy rain in ambleside, obviously it made me smile knowing we decided to stay for another night and it has been lovely. Now to relax and eat food.
Hopefully a better nights sleep but I can safely say I do feel better after that walk earlier. Thank you to my wife who wanted to do the walk.
Thursday 31st May
Woke up early but don’t mind as I sleep through, Barney is chilling on me so I will for an hour then start getting ready for what I hope is an amazing day.
Well it has so far been a good day out although I have been fighting with myself I have not let it ruin my day or our day. We had a lovely afternoon tea and a joutney on the steam train to a pub in the middle of nowhere it was lovely now at the hotel and been in the spa and now sat on the bar balcony overlooking a sunny Windermere lake.
Well we have had a lovely day and night, I love julia so much I’m sure people will understand their loved ones but julia is one amazing woman who does not care what job I have , what I do as long as I take care or myself such lovely woman I can’t I can’t live without.
The meal and view was amazing more so with my beautiful wife in front of me. I just wish my depression was not present today but I have held it to onside to try any enjoy everything but some quiet moments did not do me well. Now I am relaxing with a whiskey and tomorrow is a new day hopefully full of fun times with Julia and Barney.
Wednesday 30th May.
OMG I have had virtually no sleep I’m exhausted, my mind was racing all night of old memories some I had totally forgotten about and they were not good ones, I tried to use my calm app, my safe place, relaxing music and 80s soul music but none worked. I’m not sure why last night was like that but maybe it is because it’s and end of an era and I had major flashbacks to my career.
Today is definitely a rest day, hair cut and that’s about it for me.
Been a tough day all round but starting to feel better after a walk in the rain with Julia and Barney. Had a bath and played with Barney for an hour with his string took my mind off things. Off the thought I will not sleep again which is not easy to move on with it repeats itself over and over in my head and then bang I don’t sleep because I think about that and other triggers too much.
I truly hope for a decent night sleep tonight as we have planned a lovely date day and night together and I don’t want to spoil it at all I just need to be in the moment of tomorrow so I will do some meditation tonight and in the morning with my calm app and hopefully I will be ok. Julia really deserves this break so I will do my best to make it enjoyable for her.
Now relaxing with Barney and watching a bit of music on tv which helps me relax. Have a good evening everyone no matter what you are doing.
My picture today is a photo edited by myself to show some skills I am learning on my own I hope people like it as I really do, would you believe it was a red dying rose to start with?