My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Tuesday 16th May.

In and out of sleep last night so the sleeping pill did not live up to expectation and i feel a little groggy this morning. Not sure if I feel ok or not I’m sort of on the edge of ok. Got plenty to do today and a walk after I have taken Barney to the vets to help me out.

The walk was fantastic, mimd clear the who time, I even did a vlog? I think that is what it is called check them out on Instagram danbuck1985 got some nice feedback but again it’s not just for me it’s for others out there who are suffering, sorry wrong word who are struggling with a hidden illness. I have felt good all day since my walk and especially after the #mentalhealthminute on the radio, each person’s words read true to my journey and the fact it was done by celebs and royalty went along way in my books but at the same time for the Joe blogs of us out there the average person who wants to speak out but can’t as they struggle should be taken into consideration. On my vlog I have said if you want to reach out to me do it, I won’t judge, I won’t be shocked about anything you tell me I have been through it, I have had the darkest thought imaginable but I am here telling the tale living through depression but in a better place.

I have had a relax this afternoon. When I say relax I fell asleep but that is ok. I obviously just needed it, I still feel good after it and I am waiting for Julia to come home to see what she wants to do. Barney is snoring loudly so he is settled also.

So I went for a run, had to do something as my mind was set that I was going to do something and so I ran. No idea really how far or where I just went and it was good, I felt good after it and still do.

Tomorrow I am doing the same walk I did today I enjoyed it that much. Will hope the weather is just as good. But who cares as long as I can get out and do exercise it does not matter.

I will vlog again tomorrow on Instagram something it’s just a spare of the moment situation so I may be fine or I may be struggling it just depends.

Just taken Barney for a walk I’m tired now so hopefully get a good night’s sleep.

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My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be Ok!

Sunday 13th May.

Last night I slept like a baby so much so woke up at 530am and was not tired. Just excited that we are picking up Barney at 8.45.

Debating on my run today. More than anything where to run to and for how long. Think I will do a short one 2k or 3k and then tomorrow a bigger one. And work it like that so long as I am exercising everyday it does not really matter but it’s a plan in my head and I can then focus on other things.

Back from the vets and Barney loved coming home. A dog is a man’s best friend, he is just so lovely he makes me smile and feel good inside. I may do 4k now as I have motivation.

Well Julia did her first run in like well forever so very proud of her, I set off to do my run unsure as to how far or which direction i was going in so I just ran and did 3.25miles in 40 minutes.

Whilst I was running I thought to myself why am I doing this? For fitness? For weight loss? To destress? No to all I am doing it to be in control of my depression. That’s right control not recover but control. To control my depression means I am in charge of it and it’s not in charge of me, I make the decisions not my depression, I decide I will keep fighting, keep going not my depression holding me back.

Now to enjoy the football with a beer after all it is the last day of the football season.

Well the football was crap but what’s ne, if I don’t watch it it’s awesome but if I do it’s not.

Well today my journey is a good one, I have felt positive picking Barney up, proud that Julia did a run, content with my run and motivated thereafter. So today is a doing day for me.

I have not really needed to talk to anyone today as I am ok. It’s mainly been focused on Barney. It’s a welcomed break. But if I did need to I know I have people out there who would love to have a conversation with me no matter what which I continually feel loved for this.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you speak to someone.

My Journey through depression men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Saturday 12th May.

Well last night sleep with the sleeping tablet did not go to plan, we have a poorly puppy up all night being sick. Spent time with him this morning and Julia called the vets, he has to stay in and go on a drip and possibly has something in his stomach but we will not know till later. Feel alone now and down but I know he is in the right place and I am staying positive.

Bet called and said no sign of a foreign body in his tumm

y so no operation needed and it’s probably just a sickness bug so I am really pleased with that but he has to stay in overnight as he is on a drip.

Had an hour’s sleep but I’m still tired and I’m fighting with myself to go for a run. Head is saying no why bother, relax and have a beer. But I’m saying different I have got dressed for the run and it had taken me what feels like an hour to do it so next stage is trainers on and go out. Let’s see what happens.

Started running and just kept going, couch to 5k complete in 5 days. (I have previously ran but was circa 7 years ago) I do feel better but I am still missing our puppy. Didn’t get a greeting after my run and it feels empty in the house. I know he is ok just miss him.

While alone in the house and feeling motivated I have dusted, tidied up, washed Up, pegged out the washing and brought it in, and mopped the floor. Just goes to show what running can do for you.

Now waiting for a call from the vets as Barney is staying over night and my anxiety is ridiculously crazy. I hope he is ok is in my head but deep down I know he is and he is my puppy and that said he is strong and will get through anything just like me.

The vet has called, I needed julia to answer it as I am in my safe place and have been for most of the day. Good news he is fine and playing with the vets 3 year old which is soon him. We can pick him up tomorrow morning. So relieved and more relaxed now.

What a day but I am relaxed and pleased.now knowing our puppy is ok. Knowing I managed a 5k run with no stops and now watching eurovision for my sins.

I have spoken to julia today about stuff but I have been ok today so I can’t end this blog on a sort of positive note. Enjoy eurovision and the crazy performances.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.

My Journey continued Wednesday 18th April – depression, men’s health, it’s ok not to be ok!

So i went to the doctors, it was tough, I decided to walk there, I left Barney in the house with a morning treat he was fine, I on the otherhand was a different story. On my way to the doctors I had time to think to breathe in the fresh air and calm down. When I arrived I though I am here again and would you believe the receptionist knew me and said take a seat Daniel you are next without me saying anything apart from “Morning” this surprised me surprised me becuase I usually never go to the doctors but clearly I have become a regular visitor.

The doctor was not my usual GP and someone I have not seen before but I must say she was lovely a d very supportive asking me lots of questions, telling me it is ok these things do happen. She agreed to sign me off work for another 4 weeks to help look after myself. Yes look after myself this is probably the first time I have truly understood these words even though I have listened to family, friends and colleagues I have also said it myself but not truly understood it till today.

I left the GP and walked home in the sunshine it was a lovely morning but I did not feel that emotion not yet anyway.

I got game and Barney greeted me with the biggest cuddle and face licking (yes I know to some people this is not nice) but it was just the greeting I needed it lifted me made me feel that tiny amount better about myself. About is ok to not be able to do your job it’s ok that your partner (wife) is the main bread winner, that material things mean nothing if you well-being is not where it should be. His tought me this and I can’t help but think she truly loves me no matter what.

I went to my mum and dad’s and sisters with Barney to take my mind off things talking to all of them really helped me, made me feel more normal. But what is normal? Everyone is different but you know when you are yourself again, which I felt, only in a small way but it was there the sign again you will be ok. Back to routines back to thinking about you and you alone hard to say as I think about family all the time but sometimes it has to be about just YOU.

Once you sort yourself out you can then care for others do not put yourself you will be under too much pressure,family know you are fighting an illness and they just want you back.

I left my sister’s and took Barney home who was snoozing in the car enjoying the breeze from the open window (don’t worry he is in a seat belt) I got home and I thought what do I do now so I looked at my post of jobs that myself and Julia wrote down the day before, this helped me I cracked on whilst Barney ate grass.

The mother in law (called Gill I will use from now on) came around to drop the ironing off (yes I know we are lucky to have the ironing sorted) also a good excuse for Gill to see Barney. Barney was elated and kissed and played with Gill before relaxing on his bed. Ad I have not slept well for a good 4 days I had an afternoon snooze. I woke up feeling better feeling groggy but better.

Soon after Julia arrived home and we had a good chat which helped fuether ease my thought my depression.

I cooked tea, washed up and had a beer to relax somethijg that I ciuld.not have done in my darkest moments but I again used CBT and the support of Julia to crack on whilst she dis school work. (I did not share she is a teacher) and a bloody good one at that and I’m not being biase!!

So now we are writing tomorrow list which includes psychotherapy. I will be nervous but I will be ok, I want to get better, I need the support.

The journey begins.

I am going through depression, I shared my journey so far on Facebook with all my connections, not for my benefit but in the hopes it helps others out there.

Here it is with the added journey part two which I will link to social media through this blog in the hopes many more people can benefit or at least relate to it and know it is ok not to be ok as long as you talk.

……………………………………………

On the 9th January 2018 I lost everything. Booked in with the doctors straight away for support. Told my wife of my loss and received unbelievable support.

I struggled to get out of bed, I lost all thoughts apart from very bad and concerning ones, I could not wash up, have a shave, put the bin out just simple daily tasks, things that seem so simple now and to many people all the time are simple things but if you suffer with mental health it’s so so hard and so so hard to share, especially for me always strong, always showing care, compassion and banter, not when this struck me down, however I have recovered massively with the support of my family, friends and Barney our puppy at my side and when I could not cope Julia did everything for me. It took weeks to share with my best mate as I was worried what he would think. No shame I know but at the time I felt dread. Months have passed by and with the support of family, friends, especially Julia, the NHS and my doctor I can say I am better not recovered but better and looking to return to work in the coming weeks. All I want to say is to anyone out there with depression, anxiety or any mental health issue YOUR ARE NOT ALONE and it is extremely important to share your thoughts as I did and it has helped me more than I knew it would have.

It does not come on all of a sudden it gradually builds up, I still do.not know what or why I have been through this but I am working on it.

There is no shame in it I realise this now and I want to say if anyone out there need to talk I am happy to support and share how I am recovering from what has been the worst experience in my life.

Do not judge someone for their appearance you never know what they are going through.

My journey continued……

I posted on social media my journey and it had massive amounts of comments, likes and loves just to show it is ok not to be ok. I feel the message touched alot of people. Even someone asked my grandma how I was doing from the hairdressers, I know the person but won’t share the name. Very thoughtful and goes to show the message does work when you can talk about it.

On the negative side which I am currently going through, I did my return to work on Friday 13th (you could say I was jinxed for that date). I went back to work on Monday 16th, the day before my thoughts of dread, rushing anxiety flushing through my body, sad feelings (not the usual return to work ones after a amazing holiday) came back, this was something different something I have not experienced before.

I woke up on Monday morning and pushed myself to go in. I managed to walk the distance of what felt like 10 miles to the office door and my anxiety was enormous so I used my CBT techniques to help me. Took a deep breath and walked into smiling faces. The problem was I felt bad, I was struggling, can I do this? Is this me?
I hear the same stories from before from colleagues! Is it worth It? I am strong but…… I can’t let people down.

These thoughts I have not had for some weeks but now they are back, back with a bang. I thought it was day one so day two must be better. Still poor sleep, thoughts swirling round my mind. I was not good on Tuesday but I thought CBT you have to push yourself through the hard situation to make it better (not in all scenarios believe me!) I went to work, whilst driving there thought at every point I can turn around, curl up and hide away; i cried, something i do not do?and then i said no I told myself I can do it and so i carried on. On the motorway I cried again, struggling to cope. I pushed through!

I then got to the office and did the same as the day before walked the 10 miles to the office door took a deep breath and went in. But it was different, I still had the warm greeting but I knew, I just knew I was relapsing so I stayed for a couple of meeting but I had to leave the office early I could not cope. I did the right thing. Now I see that.

I came home spent time with Barney the puppy, the mother in law called round (she missed barney) I had a chat with her. With my mum and dad. With Julia. I agreed to see how I am today and make a decision.

The decision to not go to work and to ring the doctor was immensley hard to accept and only with the support of Julia made me do it. To see sense that I have come along way, I have used all my effort to get out of the dark place I was in so why go back, why put myself through it to see if it helps. NO!! No job is worth it no matter how proud you are you have to accept sometimes it’s just not for you and that is ok.

I will be going to the doctors soon and see what they say, I will also be going to my psychotherapy appointment tomorrow. I need to recover, I need to be not stressed, no thought about work, about what has happened in work, what will happen, will I cope with it… clearly not so why do it why push to do something that makes you ill. I will talk about it, I will show my emotions, do not rush the recovery, you are ready when you are only you truly know even if it is hard to accept. I WILL BEAT THIS!!!!!!!! #mentalhealth #mensmentalhealth #suicideaware

Continue reading “The journey begins.”