My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be Ok!

Monday 14th May.

Woke up early and had a brew whilst Barney snooze on me, looked at my post for today’s chores and was unsure if I was going to do any of them, I think it is a Monday thing that’s in my head where I feel I should be in the day race to work and I’m not but it’s hard to shift it.

I know I am better but Mondays just don’t agree with me so I have decided to get out and about and do a walk and run combined in the country park. Not sure for how long or where I will end up but I just doing it with no thoughts or plans.

Ran further than expected as I was intrigued where I was heading so I carried on and then did a part run/walk back. Feel energetic now and ready to smash my chores!

All chores complete and having a chill but my mood has dipped I feel sad, crying not sure where I am, where I’m going what my plans are don’t know how it has happened. I know I’m not well and have ups and downs but this has all of a sudden come on in the last 10 mins.

I decided to go for a walk in the sunshine and after a while I started feeling better and before I knew it I was ok. I kept telling myself I am ok. I am strong. I am brave and then I used some of my therapy describing what is in front of me, sounds, sight, touch and shortly after I started to feel better and before I knew it I was walking taking in the scenery and not being the way I was before.

Still ok this evening and will be ok. Chilling now watching a movie.

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My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be Ok!

Sunday 13th May.

Last night I slept like a baby so much so woke up at 530am and was not tired. Just excited that we are picking up Barney at 8.45.

Debating on my run today. More than anything where to run to and for how long. Think I will do a short one 2k or 3k and then tomorrow a bigger one. And work it like that so long as I am exercising everyday it does not really matter but it’s a plan in my head and I can then focus on other things.

Back from the vets and Barney loved coming home. A dog is a man’s best friend, he is just so lovely he makes me smile and feel good inside. I may do 4k now as I have motivation.

Well Julia did her first run in like well forever so very proud of her, I set off to do my run unsure as to how far or which direction i was going in so I just ran and did 3.25miles in 40 minutes.

Whilst I was running I thought to myself why am I doing this? For fitness? For weight loss? To destress? No to all I am doing it to be in control of my depression. That’s right control not recover but control. To control my depression means I am in charge of it and it’s not in charge of me, I make the decisions not my depression, I decide I will keep fighting, keep going not my depression holding me back.

Now to enjoy the football with a beer after all it is the last day of the football season.

Well the football was crap but what’s ne, if I don’t watch it it’s awesome but if I do it’s not.

Well today my journey is a good one, I have felt positive picking Barney up, proud that Julia did a run, content with my run and motivated thereafter. So today is a doing day for me.

I have not really needed to talk to anyone today as I am ok. It’s mainly been focused on Barney. It’s a welcomed break. But if I did need to I know I have people out there who would love to have a conversation with me no matter what which I continually feel loved for this.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you speak to someone.

My Journey through depression men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Saturday 12th May.

Well last night sleep with the sleeping tablet did not go to plan, we have a poorly puppy up all night being sick. Spent time with him this morning and Julia called the vets, he has to stay in and go on a drip and possibly has something in his stomach but we will not know till later. Feel alone now and down but I know he is in the right place and I am staying positive.

Bet called and said no sign of a foreign body in his tumm

y so no operation needed and it’s probably just a sickness bug so I am really pleased with that but he has to stay in overnight as he is on a drip.

Had an hour’s sleep but I’m still tired and I’m fighting with myself to go for a run. Head is saying no why bother, relax and have a beer. But I’m saying different I have got dressed for the run and it had taken me what feels like an hour to do it so next stage is trainers on and go out. Let’s see what happens.

Started running and just kept going, couch to 5k complete in 5 days. (I have previously ran but was circa 7 years ago) I do feel better but I am still missing our puppy. Didn’t get a greeting after my run and it feels empty in the house. I know he is ok just miss him.

While alone in the house and feeling motivated I have dusted, tidied up, washed Up, pegged out the washing and brought it in, and mopped the floor. Just goes to show what running can do for you.

Now waiting for a call from the vets as Barney is staying over night and my anxiety is ridiculously crazy. I hope he is ok is in my head but deep down I know he is and he is my puppy and that said he is strong and will get through anything just like me.

The vet has called, I needed julia to answer it as I am in my safe place and have been for most of the day. Good news he is fine and playing with the vets 3 year old which is soon him. We can pick him up tomorrow morning. So relieved and more relaxed now.

What a day but I am relaxed and pleased.now knowing our puppy is ok. Knowing I managed a 5k run with no stops and now watching eurovision for my sins.

I have spoken to julia today about stuff but I have been ok today so I can’t end this blog on a sort of positive note. Enjoy eurovision and the crazy performances.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Friday 11th May.

I’m afraid to say once again not a good night’s sleep, I honestly can’t remember the last time I slept through and got at least 6 hours. I hope when I visit the doctors today he can help me with it, I feel this is a stumbling block on my recover and once I can crack this I can move forward.

Legs are sore today so I have to miss a run today but I know it’s ok and I feel ok about it. I will however do something else, not sure yet but I will see what I can come up with later on.

Well an impromptu walk took me 7km and felt good about it. Enjoyed the sunshone and talking to the lollipop lady for 10 mins about depression (not sure how we got into my journey but we did) and it was nice to share with a stranger.

Received an email about our mortgage and it was not what I though and it has turned my head to mush, something i simple now can’t cope with, don’t know what to do, where to go. Feel like turning my phone off and curling up in a dark place. I am trying to go to my “safe place” but I am struggling with it at the moment I clearly need more support from the therapist on this. My current emotions now are confused, annoyed, sad, anxiety sky high, lost.

Took till 14.15pm to get rid of all them thoughts and I did use my safe place but had to concentrate really hard which was not easy and now I feel ok just like I did this morning so that is a positive, on the flip side though I am now waiting to see the doctor for a general catch up so anxiety is present but I am sort of in control of it I just need to keep positive.

Good news doctor has given me some sleeping tablets on a temporary basis so hopefully they will work and I will be better and better as each day goes.

The wife and I are going to the town for a few drinks and a meal this is the first time since I was signed off work.

We will be having a chat about today’s events and I will be ok.

Enjoy your Friday where ever you are in the world and remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Thursday 10th May.

Another bad nights sleep, I was having a nightmare but can’t remember it but I ended up grabbing Julia saying I need to cuddle. (I don’t know weather I was dreaming or awake).

Got up and my legs were a bit sore so I said I can’t run today, the boss said different she said just try, try and do 5 minutes and see how you get on so I got ready for the run, unsure of if I could do it or not but I left the house with Julia and started and I just kept going and was please with my achievement, my head told me no stop you ran yesterday are you stupid, my legs said keep going, keep the faith you can do this. My legs won.

Got home was greeted by Barney (always nice and makes me smile) washed up, showered and had a shave.

The reason I am sharing this bit is becuase part of my depression is unable to shave, when I am going through a tough patch I will not shave (don’t know why I just dont) however when I shave everyday I am feeling ok and in a better place. Thinking back to the last time I had consecutive shaves was my days at Mark Two where I did it everyday with no issues, when I though of this it has blown my mind. It has been over 4 years since the compa y went bust. Have I been truly suffering that long, maybe on mildly but it is possible something i will be discussing with the therapist this afternoon. But for now I am having a relax.

On my way to see the therapist I have decided to walk there and back to help my mood as it has started to dip over the last couple of hours, I know I am ok but I want to keep my momentum going especially as I am having my therapy soon. I know I am anxious about it and scared to share more of the past that has caused my PTSD but I know I need to push through to get better.

Sat in the waiting room feel, well not great but as expected I suppose I just know once it is over my walk back home will help me.

Wow that therapy session was better than expected. I am now doing a new trial and have a safe place in my mind. Won’t be sharing where it is as it’s mine but my god I can go to it fairly easy and it has helped me out big time.

Next week will be different though as I am having to go through my memories to then rank them and put a plan in place for future sessions however with my safe place I should be ok. I am in my safe place now as I write this and I feel good.

So therapy was not so bad and a further reflection I feel ok now. Safe, secure and relaxed. I have seen a lot of posts on Facebook about aiden in coronation street and his suicide and whilst I am very pleased that the show has highlighted men’s health it is too close to home for me to watch but I am glad it was aired and made millions of people understand it a little more. I am also grateful i am passed that episode of my depression and heading in the right direction. As I say in every blog it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.

My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Thursday 10th May.

Another bad nights sleep, I was having a nightmare but can’t remember it but I ended up grabbing Julia saying I need to cuddle. (I don’t know weather I was dreaming or awake).

Got up and my legs were a bit sore so I said I can’t run today, the boss said different she said just try, try and do 5 minutes and see how you get on so I got ready for the run, unsure of if I could do it or not but I left the house with Julia and started and I just kept going and was please with my achievement, my head told me no stop you ran yesterday are you stupid, my legs said keep going, keep the faith you can do this. My legs won.

Got home was greeted by Barney (always nice and makes me smile) washed up, showered and had a shave.

The reason I am sharing this bit is becuase part of my depression is unable to shave, when I am going through a tough patch I will not shave (don’t know why I just dont) however when I shave everyday I am feeling ok and in a better place. Thinking back to the last time I had consecutive shaves was my days at Mark Two where I did it everyday with no issues, when I though of this it has blown my mind. It has been over 4 years since the compa y went bust. Have I been truly suffering that long, maybe on mildly but it is possible something i will be discussing with the therapist this afternoon. But for now I am having a relax.

On my way to see the therapist I have decided to walk there and back to help my mood as it has started to dip over the last couple of hours, I know I am ok but I want to keep my momentum going especially as I am having my therapy soon. I know I am anxious about it and scared to share more of the past that has caused my PTSD but I know I need to push through to get better.

Sat in the waiting room feel, well not great but as expected I suppose I just know once it is over my walk back home will help me.

Wow that therapy session was better than expected. I am now doing a new trial and have a safe place in my mind. Won’t be sharing where it is as it’s mine but my god I can go to it fairly easy and it has helped me out big time.

Next week will be different though as I am having to go through my memories to then rank them and put a plan in place for future sessions however with my safe place I should be ok. I am in my safe place now as I write this and I feel good.

So therapy was not so bad and a further reflection I feel ok now. Safe, secure and relaxed. I have seen a lot of posts on Facebook about aiden in coronation street and his suicide and whilst I am very pleased that the show has highlighted men’s health it is too close to home for me to watch but I am glad it was aired and made millions of people understand it a little more. I am also grateful i am passed that episode of my depression and heading in the right direction. As I say in every blog it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.

The journey begins.

I am going through depression, I shared my journey so far on Facebook with all my connections, not for my benefit but in the hopes it helps others out there.

Here it is with the added journey part two which I will link to social media through this blog in the hopes many more people can benefit or at least relate to it and know it is ok not to be ok as long as you talk.

……………………………………………

On the 9th January 2018 I lost everything. Booked in with the doctors straight away for support. Told my wife of my loss and received unbelievable support.

I struggled to get out of bed, I lost all thoughts apart from very bad and concerning ones, I could not wash up, have a shave, put the bin out just simple daily tasks, things that seem so simple now and to many people all the time are simple things but if you suffer with mental health it’s so so hard and so so hard to share, especially for me always strong, always showing care, compassion and banter, not when this struck me down, however I have recovered massively with the support of my family, friends and Barney our puppy at my side and when I could not cope Julia did everything for me. It took weeks to share with my best mate as I was worried what he would think. No shame I know but at the time I felt dread. Months have passed by and with the support of family, friends, especially Julia, the NHS and my doctor I can say I am better not recovered but better and looking to return to work in the coming weeks. All I want to say is to anyone out there with depression, anxiety or any mental health issue YOUR ARE NOT ALONE and it is extremely important to share your thoughts as I did and it has helped me more than I knew it would have.

It does not come on all of a sudden it gradually builds up, I still do.not know what or why I have been through this but I am working on it.

There is no shame in it I realise this now and I want to say if anyone out there need to talk I am happy to support and share how I am recovering from what has been the worst experience in my life.

Do not judge someone for their appearance you never know what they are going through.

My journey continued……

I posted on social media my journey and it had massive amounts of comments, likes and loves just to show it is ok not to be ok. I feel the message touched alot of people. Even someone asked my grandma how I was doing from the hairdressers, I know the person but won’t share the name. Very thoughtful and goes to show the message does work when you can talk about it.

On the negative side which I am currently going through, I did my return to work on Friday 13th (you could say I was jinxed for that date). I went back to work on Monday 16th, the day before my thoughts of dread, rushing anxiety flushing through my body, sad feelings (not the usual return to work ones after a amazing holiday) came back, this was something different something I have not experienced before.

I woke up on Monday morning and pushed myself to go in. I managed to walk the distance of what felt like 10 miles to the office door and my anxiety was enormous so I used my CBT techniques to help me. Took a deep breath and walked into smiling faces. The problem was I felt bad, I was struggling, can I do this? Is this me?
I hear the same stories from before from colleagues! Is it worth It? I am strong but…… I can’t let people down.

These thoughts I have not had for some weeks but now they are back, back with a bang. I thought it was day one so day two must be better. Still poor sleep, thoughts swirling round my mind. I was not good on Tuesday but I thought CBT you have to push yourself through the hard situation to make it better (not in all scenarios believe me!) I went to work, whilst driving there thought at every point I can turn around, curl up and hide away; i cried, something i do not do?and then i said no I told myself I can do it and so i carried on. On the motorway I cried again, struggling to cope. I pushed through!

I then got to the office and did the same as the day before walked the 10 miles to the office door took a deep breath and went in. But it was different, I still had the warm greeting but I knew, I just knew I was relapsing so I stayed for a couple of meeting but I had to leave the office early I could not cope. I did the right thing. Now I see that.

I came home spent time with Barney the puppy, the mother in law called round (she missed barney) I had a chat with her. With my mum and dad. With Julia. I agreed to see how I am today and make a decision.

The decision to not go to work and to ring the doctor was immensley hard to accept and only with the support of Julia made me do it. To see sense that I have come along way, I have used all my effort to get out of the dark place I was in so why go back, why put myself through it to see if it helps. NO!! No job is worth it no matter how proud you are you have to accept sometimes it’s just not for you and that is ok.

I will be going to the doctors soon and see what they say, I will also be going to my psychotherapy appointment tomorrow. I need to recover, I need to be not stressed, no thought about work, about what has happened in work, what will happen, will I cope with it… clearly not so why do it why push to do something that makes you ill. I will talk about it, I will show my emotions, do not rush the recovery, you are ready when you are only you truly know even if it is hard to accept. I WILL BEAT THIS!!!!!!!! #mentalhealth #mensmentalhealth #suicideaware

Continue reading “The journey begins.”