My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Tuesday 16th May.

In and out of sleep last night so the sleeping pill did not live up to expectation and i feel a little groggy this morning. Not sure if I feel ok or not I’m sort of on the edge of ok. Got plenty to do today and a walk after I have taken Barney to the vets to help me out.

The walk was fantastic, mimd clear the who time, I even did a vlog? I think that is what it is called check them out on Instagram danbuck1985 got some nice feedback but again it’s not just for me it’s for others out there who are suffering, sorry wrong word who are struggling with a hidden illness. I have felt good all day since my walk and especially after the #mentalhealthminute on the radio, each person’s words read true to my journey and the fact it was done by celebs and royalty went along way in my books but at the same time for the Joe blogs of us out there the average person who wants to speak out but can’t as they struggle should be taken into consideration. On my vlog I have said if you want to reach out to me do it, I won’t judge, I won’t be shocked about anything you tell me I have been through it, I have had the darkest thought imaginable but I am here telling the tale living through depression but in a better place.

I have had a relax this afternoon. When I say relax I fell asleep but that is ok. I obviously just needed it, I still feel good after it and I am waiting for Julia to come home to see what she wants to do. Barney is snoring loudly so he is settled also.

So I went for a run, had to do something as my mind was set that I was going to do something and so I ran. No idea really how far or where I just went and it was good, I felt good after it and still do.

Tomorrow I am doing the same walk I did today I enjoyed it that much. Will hope the weather is just as good. But who cares as long as I can get out and do exercise it does not matter.

I will vlog again tomorrow on Instagram something it’s just a spare of the moment situation so I may be fine or I may be struggling it just depends.

Just taken Barney for a walk I’m tired now so hopefully get a good night’s sleep.

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My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Friday 11th May.

I’m afraid to say once again not a good night’s sleep, I honestly can’t remember the last time I slept through and got at least 6 hours. I hope when I visit the doctors today he can help me with it, I feel this is a stumbling block on my recover and once I can crack this I can move forward.

Legs are sore today so I have to miss a run today but I know it’s ok and I feel ok about it. I will however do something else, not sure yet but I will see what I can come up with later on.

Well an impromptu walk took me 7km and felt good about it. Enjoyed the sunshone and talking to the lollipop lady for 10 mins about depression (not sure how we got into my journey but we did) and it was nice to share with a stranger.

Received an email about our mortgage and it was not what I though and it has turned my head to mush, something i simple now can’t cope with, don’t know what to do, where to go. Feel like turning my phone off and curling up in a dark place. I am trying to go to my “safe place” but I am struggling with it at the moment I clearly need more support from the therapist on this. My current emotions now are confused, annoyed, sad, anxiety sky high, lost.

Took till 14.15pm to get rid of all them thoughts and I did use my safe place but had to concentrate really hard which was not easy and now I feel ok just like I did this morning so that is a positive, on the flip side though I am now waiting to see the doctor for a general catch up so anxiety is present but I am sort of in control of it I just need to keep positive.

Good news doctor has given me some sleeping tablets on a temporary basis so hopefully they will work and I will be better and better as each day goes.

The wife and I are going to the town for a few drinks and a meal this is the first time since I was signed off work.

We will be having a chat about today’s events and I will be ok.

Enjoy your Friday where ever you are in the world and remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.

The journey begins.

I am going through depression, I shared my journey so far on Facebook with all my connections, not for my benefit but in the hopes it helps others out there.

Here it is with the added journey part two which I will link to social media through this blog in the hopes many more people can benefit or at least relate to it and know it is ok not to be ok as long as you talk.

……………………………………………

On the 9th January 2018 I lost everything. Booked in with the doctors straight away for support. Told my wife of my loss and received unbelievable support.

I struggled to get out of bed, I lost all thoughts apart from very bad and concerning ones, I could not wash up, have a shave, put the bin out just simple daily tasks, things that seem so simple now and to many people all the time are simple things but if you suffer with mental health it’s so so hard and so so hard to share, especially for me always strong, always showing care, compassion and banter, not when this struck me down, however I have recovered massively with the support of my family, friends and Barney our puppy at my side and when I could not cope Julia did everything for me. It took weeks to share with my best mate as I was worried what he would think. No shame I know but at the time I felt dread. Months have passed by and with the support of family, friends, especially Julia, the NHS and my doctor I can say I am better not recovered but better and looking to return to work in the coming weeks. All I want to say is to anyone out there with depression, anxiety or any mental health issue YOUR ARE NOT ALONE and it is extremely important to share your thoughts as I did and it has helped me more than I knew it would have.

It does not come on all of a sudden it gradually builds up, I still do.not know what or why I have been through this but I am working on it.

There is no shame in it I realise this now and I want to say if anyone out there need to talk I am happy to support and share how I am recovering from what has been the worst experience in my life.

Do not judge someone for their appearance you never know what they are going through.

My journey continued……

I posted on social media my journey and it had massive amounts of comments, likes and loves just to show it is ok not to be ok. I feel the message touched alot of people. Even someone asked my grandma how I was doing from the hairdressers, I know the person but won’t share the name. Very thoughtful and goes to show the message does work when you can talk about it.

On the negative side which I am currently going through, I did my return to work on Friday 13th (you could say I was jinxed for that date). I went back to work on Monday 16th, the day before my thoughts of dread, rushing anxiety flushing through my body, sad feelings (not the usual return to work ones after a amazing holiday) came back, this was something different something I have not experienced before.

I woke up on Monday morning and pushed myself to go in. I managed to walk the distance of what felt like 10 miles to the office door and my anxiety was enormous so I used my CBT techniques to help me. Took a deep breath and walked into smiling faces. The problem was I felt bad, I was struggling, can I do this? Is this me?
I hear the same stories from before from colleagues! Is it worth It? I am strong but…… I can’t let people down.

These thoughts I have not had for some weeks but now they are back, back with a bang. I thought it was day one so day two must be better. Still poor sleep, thoughts swirling round my mind. I was not good on Tuesday but I thought CBT you have to push yourself through the hard situation to make it better (not in all scenarios believe me!) I went to work, whilst driving there thought at every point I can turn around, curl up and hide away; i cried, something i do not do?and then i said no I told myself I can do it and so i carried on. On the motorway I cried again, struggling to cope. I pushed through!

I then got to the office and did the same as the day before walked the 10 miles to the office door took a deep breath and went in. But it was different, I still had the warm greeting but I knew, I just knew I was relapsing so I stayed for a couple of meeting but I had to leave the office early I could not cope. I did the right thing. Now I see that.

I came home spent time with Barney the puppy, the mother in law called round (she missed barney) I had a chat with her. With my mum and dad. With Julia. I agreed to see how I am today and make a decision.

The decision to not go to work and to ring the doctor was immensley hard to accept and only with the support of Julia made me do it. To see sense that I have come along way, I have used all my effort to get out of the dark place I was in so why go back, why put myself through it to see if it helps. NO!! No job is worth it no matter how proud you are you have to accept sometimes it’s just not for you and that is ok.

I will be going to the doctors soon and see what they say, I will also be going to my psychotherapy appointment tomorrow. I need to recover, I need to be not stressed, no thought about work, about what has happened in work, what will happen, will I cope with it… clearly not so why do it why push to do something that makes you ill. I will talk about it, I will show my emotions, do not rush the recovery, you are ready when you are only you truly know even if it is hard to accept. I WILL BEAT THIS!!!!!!!! #mentalhealth #mensmentalhealth #suicideaware

Continue reading “The journey begins.”