My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Wednesday 16th May.

Slept most of the night which is good but feel groggy this morning. Don’t feel brill Inside but I have a plan today which should pick me up. I’m off for a walk at 930 again 6 miles although it is a bit chilly and cloudy I will still get out and do it even if I just want to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing. I know as soon as I get going I will start to feel better.

So did my walk and took a while to get my head into gear, but it happened. Also managed to get out and about and took barney to my grans and on to the fields for a run around which he loved and made me happier.

Came home had lunch and well fell asleep, not done all my chores today but I’m not bothered, my anxiety is kicking in big time and it’s for my therapy tomorrow I know this as it’s on my mind. I know the therapy will help me but at the same time in really unsure about it as I’m nervous.

Waiting for tea now and a relax but still feeling anxious don’t think I can kick this one out with exercise or beer but I will have a sleeping pill to help me snooze later so at least I will get some sleep and then tomorrow morning I am going for a run.

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My Journey through depression. Men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Tuesday 16th May.

In and out of sleep last night so the sleeping pill did not live up to expectation and i feel a little groggy this morning. Not sure if I feel ok or not I’m sort of on the edge of ok. Got plenty to do today and a walk after I have taken Barney to the vets to help me out.

The walk was fantastic, mimd clear the who time, I even did a vlog? I think that is what it is called check them out on Instagram danbuck1985 got some nice feedback but again it’s not just for me it’s for others out there who are suffering, sorry wrong word who are struggling with a hidden illness. I have felt good all day since my walk and especially after the #mentalhealthminute on the radio, each person’s words read true to my journey and the fact it was done by celebs and royalty went along way in my books but at the same time for the Joe blogs of us out there the average person who wants to speak out but can’t as they struggle should be taken into consideration. On my vlog I have said if you want to reach out to me do it, I won’t judge, I won’t be shocked about anything you tell me I have been through it, I have had the darkest thought imaginable but I am here telling the tale living through depression but in a better place.

I have had a relax this afternoon. When I say relax I fell asleep but that is ok. I obviously just needed it, I still feel good after it and I am waiting for Julia to come home to see what she wants to do. Barney is snoring loudly so he is settled also.

So I went for a run, had to do something as my mind was set that I was going to do something and so I ran. No idea really how far or where I just went and it was good, I felt good after it and still do.

Tomorrow I am doing the same walk I did today I enjoyed it that much. Will hope the weather is just as good. But who cares as long as I can get out and do exercise it does not matter.

I will vlog again tomorrow on Instagram something it’s just a spare of the moment situation so I may be fine or I may be struggling it just depends.

Just taken Barney for a walk I’m tired now so hopefully get a good night’s sleep.

My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be Ok!

Monday 14th May.

Woke up early and had a brew whilst Barney snooze on me, looked at my post for today’s chores and was unsure if I was going to do any of them, I think it is a Monday thing that’s in my head where I feel I should be in the day race to work and I’m not but it’s hard to shift it.

I know I am better but Mondays just don’t agree with me so I have decided to get out and about and do a walk and run combined in the country park. Not sure for how long or where I will end up but I just doing it with no thoughts or plans.

Ran further than expected as I was intrigued where I was heading so I carried on and then did a part run/walk back. Feel energetic now and ready to smash my chores!

All chores complete and having a chill but my mood has dipped I feel sad, crying not sure where I am, where I’m going what my plans are don’t know how it has happened. I know I’m not well and have ups and downs but this has all of a sudden come on in the last 10 mins.

I decided to go for a walk in the sunshine and after a while I started feeling better and before I knew it I was ok. I kept telling myself I am ok. I am strong. I am brave and then I used some of my therapy describing what is in front of me, sounds, sight, touch and shortly after I started to feel better and before I knew it I was walking taking in the scenery and not being the way I was before.

Still ok this evening and will be ok. Chilling now watching a movie.

My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be Ok!

Sunday 13th May.

Last night I slept like a baby so much so woke up at 530am and was not tired. Just excited that we are picking up Barney at 8.45.

Debating on my run today. More than anything where to run to and for how long. Think I will do a short one 2k or 3k and then tomorrow a bigger one. And work it like that so long as I am exercising everyday it does not really matter but it’s a plan in my head and I can then focus on other things.

Back from the vets and Barney loved coming home. A dog is a man’s best friend, he is just so lovely he makes me smile and feel good inside. I may do 4k now as I have motivation.

Well Julia did her first run in like well forever so very proud of her, I set off to do my run unsure as to how far or which direction i was going in so I just ran and did 3.25miles in 40 minutes.

Whilst I was running I thought to myself why am I doing this? For fitness? For weight loss? To destress? No to all I am doing it to be in control of my depression. That’s right control not recover but control. To control my depression means I am in charge of it and it’s not in charge of me, I make the decisions not my depression, I decide I will keep fighting, keep going not my depression holding me back.

Now to enjoy the football with a beer after all it is the last day of the football season.

Well the football was crap but what’s ne, if I don’t watch it it’s awesome but if I do it’s not.

Well today my journey is a good one, I have felt positive picking Barney up, proud that Julia did a run, content with my run and motivated thereafter. So today is a doing day for me.

I have not really needed to talk to anyone today as I am ok. It’s mainly been focused on Barney. It’s a welcomed break. But if I did need to I know I have people out there who would love to have a conversation with me no matter what which I continually feel loved for this.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you speak to someone.

My Journey through depression men’s health. It’s ok not to be ok!

Saturday 12th May.

Well last night sleep with the sleeping tablet did not go to plan, we have a poorly puppy up all night being sick. Spent time with him this morning and Julia called the vets, he has to stay in and go on a drip and possibly has something in his stomach but we will not know till later. Feel alone now and down but I know he is in the right place and I am staying positive.

Bet called and said no sign of a foreign body in his tumm

y so no operation needed and it’s probably just a sickness bug so I am really pleased with that but he has to stay in overnight as he is on a drip.

Had an hour’s sleep but I’m still tired and I’m fighting with myself to go for a run. Head is saying no why bother, relax and have a beer. But I’m saying different I have got dressed for the run and it had taken me what feels like an hour to do it so next stage is trainers on and go out. Let’s see what happens.

Started running and just kept going, couch to 5k complete in 5 days. (I have previously ran but was circa 7 years ago) I do feel better but I am still missing our puppy. Didn’t get a greeting after my run and it feels empty in the house. I know he is ok just miss him.

While alone in the house and feeling motivated I have dusted, tidied up, washed Up, pegged out the washing and brought it in, and mopped the floor. Just goes to show what running can do for you.

Now waiting for a call from the vets as Barney is staying over night and my anxiety is ridiculously crazy. I hope he is ok is in my head but deep down I know he is and he is my puppy and that said he is strong and will get through anything just like me.

The vet has called, I needed julia to answer it as I am in my safe place and have been for most of the day. Good news he is fine and playing with the vets 3 year old which is soon him. We can pick him up tomorrow morning. So relieved and more relaxed now.

What a day but I am relaxed and pleased.now knowing our puppy is ok. Knowing I managed a 5k run with no stops and now watching eurovision for my sins.

I have spoken to julia today about stuff but I have been ok today so I can’t end this blog on a sort of positive note. Enjoy eurovision and the crazy performances.

Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you talk to someone.