My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be ok!

Wednesday 30th May.

OMG I have had virtually no sleep I’m exhausted, my mind was racing all night of old memories some I had totally forgotten about and they were not good ones, I tried to use my calm app, my safe place, relaxing music and 80s soul music but none worked. I’m not sure why last night was like that but maybe it is because it’s and end of an era and I had major flashbacks to my career.

Today is definitely a rest day, hair cut and that’s about it for me.

Been a tough day all round but starting to feel better after a walk in the rain with Julia and Barney. Had a bath and played with Barney for an hour with his string took my mind off things. Off the thought I will not sleep again which is not easy to move on with it repeats itself over and over in my head and then bang I don’t sleep because I think about that and other triggers too much.

I truly hope for a decent night sleep tonight as we have planned a lovely date day and night together and I don’t want to spoil it at all I just need to be in the moment of tomorrow so I will do some meditation tonight and in the morning with my calm app and hopefully I will be ok. Julia really deserves this break so I will do my best to make it enjoyable for her.

Now relaxing with Barney and watching a bit of music on tv which helps me relax. Have a good evening everyone no matter what you are doing.

My picture today is a photo edited by myself to show some skills I am learning on my own I hope people like it as I really do, would you believe it was a red dying rose to start with?

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My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be ok!

Tuesday 29th May.

Had a fairly good nights sleep and was set for the day ahead although I had quite it of anxiety and only realised why when I spoke to julia, today was officially my last day working at B&Q and whilst I have not been in work for 5 months I was still classed as employed so anyway tomorrow I can finally focus on me and nothing else, work is now in the past and whilst I will not have a new job for some time, I will take this time to recover properly Nd find the right job for me.

We dropped Barney off at my mum and dad’s for the day so me and Julia could go shopping at Cheshire oaks and have lunch which was very nice indeed the only bad part for me really was going down the M56 I did not realise going past the turning for the office would kick off tough thought although I did not share them today I just slowed through with well julia talking alot as per usual which is no bad thing.

When we finished shopping and had lunch I was ready to come back but again I have similar feelings on the drive home.

We got Barney who was fine and he chilled at home with me for a while, then I just decided I would go out for a run nothing too strenuous but a run afterall is always a challenge in some sort of way either mentally or physically and today it was both for me my head did not engage fully into it but I kept going and my head was still in the bank holiday weekend mode of beer and junk food. Not a great combination and to top it off I forgot my water.

So I ran to places I haven’t and also places I have cross country and road running and I decided on 2 miles would be enough today but I wanted to do my best time which I did achieve so I am pleased about that. At least something good came from today’s run.

Showered and had tea and now feeling tired my head is fighting being sad and the only thing I can think of why I feel like this is that it is an end of an era for me as I will never ever go back into a role I have only know since I was 17.

Oh and the profile photo today is of me just after I completed my run. But as I don’t really care about my looks etc I have used it to show my tiredness and fact that I actually did complete a run.

My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be ok!

Monday 28th May.

Had a fairly decent nights sleep with taking the sleeping tablet but did wake up a few times not from a nightmare but from a specific dream that has not happened yet.

Chilling out with Barney whilst the others sleep but feeling unsure about things for example my mind is racing with future plans, what ifs, what if I can’t, the car journey back, stuff I need to do and try not to forget, plans plans plans.

I may have to write down a full weekly plan rather than a day to day plan and see if I can focus more easier on the here and now.

Journey home was ok although I thought it would not have been and did give me anxiety I’m just glad it was fairly quiet. Then we got back and went out for a bit and got Barney a doggy pool which he sort of likes but at least when he needs to he can now cool down in it.

We have sorted our holiday clothes out but some don’t fit, some are old and minging so tomorrow is a shopping day mainly for me.

Took Barney for a walk and have managed to take a good photo of a bee working which is my cover photo today. I have decided my new hobby to relax is photography now I just need a fancy camera as currently I am only using my Samsung phone to take pics.

Relaxed now and chilling even managed a snooze earlier listening to Stephen fry on the calm app to help me snooze. Well worth a download if you struggle with relaxing day or night time there is loads on there to help.

My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be ok!

Sunday 27th May

Last nights sleep was awful I did not take my sleeping tablet and it showed big time, when I did eventually fall asleep when the birds sang their morning song I had a very realistic nightmare and it was horrible. I did not go back to sleep once I came out of it and now I am a little tired but trying to work out in my head the nightmare and why it happened. Not sure how to process it at the moment.

Moved on from the thought about the nightmare with my safe place and then went out to Morecambe for a little walk and Costa coffee as you do. Whilst I waited with Barney overlooking the sea my mind started wondering and whilst I usually fight against it the therapist said to just let it happen as it helps processing it more easier and then you won’t have any comebacks.

Got back to the caravan and went for a snooze which I really needed as I did not sleep well at all, I got up had lunch outside which was nice and it was even nicer as Julia was there with me. Then we took Barney to the beach for a quick 10 minute walk due to the heat in the lakedistrict. He met a few new friends and was tired quiet quickly and no surprise when it’s 27 degrees here. My mind was totally focused on him which is good and I did not need to let my mind drift as it was fixed on him.

Got back to the caravan and had a few pints of water and then started on the beer sat in the sunshine (I have to use factor 50 on my head as it’s burns easily) which I have done twice now but still feel a bit of burn on me. Played games on my phone to help me move my thoughts away from anything bad.

Went to the pool for a swim well actually a cool down no swimming done apart from dunkink my head under the water, it was very relaxing and now back on the decking in the sun my photo today I have just taken showing how lovely it is in the lake district.

Soon to be tea some or supper depending on where you are from and a relaxing Sunday night.

Have a good bank holiday everyone and relax it is one massively important tasks you should achieve every day.

My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be ok

Saturday 26th May

Up bright and early with Barney left the caravan at 815am and walked round Silverdale taking Photos of the beautiful flowers ity made me feel very relaxed and calm. Got back to the club and had a bacon sausage and egg barm and it was delicious now on my way back to the van to greet Barney and wait for Julia to arrive before we go to Cartmel races for the day.

At the races in the sunshine having a beer, Barney is super chilled and my first horse came in. Feeling quite good now as I never win at horse racing, must say thanks to my mum for the selection.

Won a few more and I must say I have had a lovely day no place better to relax and enjoy myself.

Hopefully tonight I will have a good sleep and thwn tomorrow is a fresh day with all being well more fun and happiness.

Have a good bank holiday weekend and take care of yourselves where ever you may be.

My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be ok

Friday 25th May.

Well last night I signed up for the mind dawn till dusk charity hike. This is from the Eden project and along the Cornwall coast and country side. Something which is now very close to me. MIND is a charity for mental health and I am proud to sign up to it. Now I just need to keep training till 12th october.

Slept ok and was up ready to take Barney to the vets but had to walk there no problem at all as it is my rest day afterall.

Got back chilled out and did a couple of chores. Got some news I was not expecting and feel sad about.

Gone to the lakes for a long weekend of beer, sun, cartmel races, countryside oh and did I say beer. Will also be doing a few countryside runs whilst here to help me as last week I was not too well when I was here.

Got a pizza and the views for tea tonight so will try and relax although I feel really anxious for some reason.

My Journey through depression men’s health it’s ok not to be ok!

Thursday 24th May.

Not a great nights sleep due to it being warm So feeling tired and groggy from the sleeping tablets, anxiety is getting worse and worse from last night up to now due to my therapy this afternoon.

I have taken my car in for a repair which is also making me anxious but I don’t know why, I have a lift back to which I have asked to be dropped off somewhere so I can run back to my house so no excuses from me I just have to do it. Then after a chill it’s therapy.

Did my run 10k in 1 hour and 12 mins which is my best so far so pleased with that, I did not mean to go that far today but when I came out of the country park I was in a different town than expected so a couple of miles added to the run but I did it and it did not bother me one bit I just said well keep going you can do this.

Walked round to the doctors for my therapy anxiety levels k8cking in and feeling low but not too bad as I am still lifted from my run. I am glad I did the run as I feel I would be in a bad way now but I’m not so I just hope the therapy goes ok today and I don’t need the beer garden. Here’s hoping.

My tests how my depression has climbed again but my anxiety has dipped one. We cracked on with the therapy and the best way I can describe it is weird but IT WORKS😁 after it I feel a spaced out but that was ok as I had to walk back it also gave me time to process any new thoughts and memories that came from the one we worked on.

Got home to a very warm welcome off Barney and whilst I was still spaced out I had a chill in the garden for 10 mins then lay down not to sleep but to rest my eyes and relax. It has taken a full hour for the after feelings to stop well not stop but be calmer. Now I just need to persuade Julia to take Barney to the beer garden to “socialise”

Just spoke with Arnold Calrke absolutely useless my car is not ready and it’s too long of a tale to write down but put it this way I am fuming and feel like crap again. Not happy wrote customer services a very lengthy unhappy email. Now no car till Tuesday!!! On that note I’m ending my blog today.