Had a good day yesterday in the sunshine having a barbecue was very relaxing. Did not have the best nights sleep due to a sore back and an early wake up call from Barney.
I sat in the lounge with the bbc news on, I can’t even tell you what the news was and it’s only 4 hours later. Not in the best state of mind today but I need to remember where I have come from and this is just a minor down in comparison. I’m sure as the day goes on I will lift a bit but remember it does not last, on the road to recovery you can have down days but it is few and far between than the deepest darkest days of depression. I will be ok.
I am watching the London marathon and just thinking how brave they are for doing it and I’m not talking about the elite athletes, I’m talking about the charity runners, the average person doing what they can to support people out there their loves ones they may have lost, loved ones in recovery or for themselves it is a very honourable gift and they will all touch someone’s life today and hopefully help them. I hope one day I will achieve something like this for men’s health. I did some years ago manage the manchester 10k so it is in me to work hard and get running again.
Well I have just wrote a bit of detail about taking care of your appearance and it did not save I just feel frustrated, gutted, fed up that all my thought did not save. I will rewrite it in the hopes it makes me feel better that i managed to change my mindset. Some 50 minutes later I am writing it again, it went something like this: in depression sometimes it’s difficult to sort out your appearance, what do I mean by this… men don’t shave, gel their hair, wash, dress in the way they used to, for me it was nice shoes/boots, jeans, nice t shirt and now I’m not really bothered what shirt I wear or which shoes go with the outfit (yes men do think about it aswell but just arnt as good as women in matching.) Anyway my issues mainly are shaving and gelling my hair to make my appearance “smarter” something i struggle with in my darkest days of depression and since my relapse last week but I did manage to do it today, I was alone and chilled so I just did it, I battled in my head do I do it or do I leave it but the good came over me to do it. I am glad I did it I feel a bit better about myself, about my appearance.
Sat in the caravan feeling fatigued and in a low mood I struggled to sort myself out, I did however force myself to go for a walk to clear my head a good walk in the countryside is what I needed, So I decided to walk up Arnside Knott which for me is a mole hill compared to the mountains I hike up but not today fighting with my state of mind made it difficult but I battled through I am more tired from fighting with my thoughts than I am from the walk I just kept telling myself it’s my mind not my body and kept going. It’s a beautiful place overlooking Morecambe bay, the lakes and the mountain ranges where I hike up. I am now at ease, mind not racing, mood lifted a little and not feeling fatigued I believe it’s called endorphins that has been released in my body from the sweaty hike I just did. Now a walk back to the caravan through the farmlands and have a nosey at the new arrivals.
On my way down back to the caravan I saw lambs, calfs, hens and managed to get a couple of cow selfies which my wife absolutely loves doing for some reason. I got back and felt totally different, more like myself (not totally but more) my mopd had lifted so i showered, hair gelled and got ready to leave for the langdales, I feel refreshed, my mental state is in a good place and I can say I won today, I can say I have won every day even the darkest days becuase I am still here, I am fighting and winning which is all I can do to recover.
The journey over to the langdale was not the best in fact even before I got to the A6 and old man did not understand the rules of the road when on his side there are parked cars he has to give way, we nearly had pheasant for tea just shot out of the bushes I have no idea how I did not hit it and then there is a silly woman overtaking a cyclist on a blind bend with me coming head on, needless to say an emergency stop was needed by both a d the woman did not even acknowledge she was wrong. This left me with a 45 minute journey full of anxiety, I managed to calm down and was ok ish. So took Barney for a little walk before we got into the pub.
Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you tall to someone just like I did this morning I spoke with Julia and made the decision to do something about my mental state, it’s far from easy but you have to keep fighting.