Last night I had a better nights sleep but still not enough, still thoughts i can’t shift, always random always in and out throughout the night perhaps it was becuase I had two difficult appointments today. Not sure though.
Followed my routine this morning (from my list) took Barney for a walk onto the fields and a run round in the sunshine (remember I have a low vitamin D count so sunshine is good for me) my mind was clear the whole time what a fabulous distraction.
Got home gave Barney more water and a sprinkle hosepipe wash (his first) was still ok until I came inside and started relaxing, was very tired and actually fell asleep for an hour. Woke up and felt bad, felt unsure about the upcoming psychiatric appointment. Made lunch and then sorted Barney out before leaving. Left my phone, wallet and bottle of water in the house must be becuase I was anxious must be becuase I was focusing on what will be? What if? Etc.
When I got to the hospital I was calm I read the borough magazine (I never read don’t know what’s happening to me.) There was an article in there from a rugby league player who suffered with depression Danny Sculthorpe and it is very similar to my experiences. He now is an ambassador for it and is doing well, it made me think that what I am doing, writing this in the hopes people read it, relate to it and know they are not alone is all worth it.
I did my therapy and came out feeling dreadful, not becuase of the therapy as such but becuase I shared more than I have ever done so before and brought up alot I wanted to erase from my memory. However I can’t to that so I need to learn to accept it and a way to deal with it I just don’t know how to yet but I will do with the support.
After that I had a call from HML occupation health, it was meant to be a 30 minute call which turned into 50 minutes due to the complexity of the discussions. Something the lady was not ready for but did sort it out in the end. She was lovely and personally which me well (that was off the record as was some other things) again though after I felt bad, questioned myself of lots of things.
Spoke to Julia and told her about it (she was still in school marking books) Barney was outside eating grass. Felt a bit better after speaking to her and decided to start writing my blog so I can process my thought more.
I feel after writing this a little better, still not good probably on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being super awesome and myself again I would scale it as 4. The 1 is my darkest day I had in depression. Not ready to go into that just yet but when I get better, get the courage to share, feel no shame I will share it again just in the hopes it will help other people out there in their darkest moments and the moments after on the way to recovery.
Just had a walk to the shop and saw a few people laughing, smiling genuinely looking good, peaceful but who truly knows… Made me think though I am not ok I am not there but I want to be I want to fight on and beat this. Get back to the person I used to be whatever or whoever I was I just know I did not feel like this.
Later my best mate is coming round to I can download all of today and my plans to him for his opinion. Take some of the burden away from Julia although I know she says it’s not. My mental thoughts say it is and will not change until I am better.
After that I will go through my list again ready for tomorrow I just hope I get more sleep tonight.
Remember it’s ok not to be ok as long as you speak to someone.